Take a look at this scenario:
This man’s life used to be in order. Now he’s making an army of giant radioactive jungle fauna. Within moments, a protagonist will be beating him like a small child. As his bones are pounded into chalk dust, he’ll wonder where things went wrong.
He made a single mistake. He broke two of the taboos of mad science. There are four sentences that one never forgets to avoid. These represent the line between a short-lived supervillain and a healthy mad scientist contributing to society. Uttering these words invariably leads to trying to shoot costumed teenagers into space.
4: I’m not crazy.
I have some bad news for you. You’re crazier than Charles Manson tweaking on meth in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. You and crazy share a timeshare by Arkham Asylum. You’re getting married in Silent Hill next year, where you’ll have a son named Delirium. He will go on to major in abnormal psychology at Miskatonic University, using you as a test subject for his thesis. You are nuts.
But that doesn’t mean you have to build a death ray. Why have your back broken by a ragtag team of heroes when you can go mad in silence? A quick walk around any city will show you that hundreds of lunatics just like you have lost their minds with dignity and grace. Elderly women living with two dozen stray cats and wandering vagrants predicting the apocalypse have the self-restraint to avoid making an army of flying monkeys. Why can’t you?
3: I’ll show them all!
Will you?
Think of all the supervillains that have come before you. They weren’t (complete) idiots. They had plans, resources, and scantily clad minions just as good as yours. But all of them are rotting in a prison cell or casket. The odds are not in your favor.Two people have successfully “Shown them all” in human history: Genghis Khan and Alexander the Great. Gunpowder has made things much more difficult for maniacal manchildren. They tend to become target practice. There’s no would-be God-Emperor that a sniper with an open weekend can’t take care of. To say nothing of the vigilantes and secret agents wandering around.
2: You’ve spurned me!
Almost everyone strikes out. The irresistible charisma of a online comedy writer isn’t available to everyone. When it happens to you, there is a choice. You can make an OkCupid profile, or you can strap her to a rocket. One of these choices is frowned upon. If you don’t know which one it is, it’s probably already too late.
1: Nothing can stop me now!
Look behind you.