Where I’ve Been

I’ve been busy.

There’s been a not-so-brief hiatus. I’ve been away for two weeks, which is about seventeen years in internet update time. Most of you have assumed I’m dead and moved on to quasi-comedic video reviews of cult films by now, but I apologize to the two that remain.

Like a castaway, war veteran, or reader of Infinite Jest, I’ve been gone for too long. My job is gone. My fictional children don’t look at me the same way anymore. Even my parents have moved on to the next world; gated Florida communities. Worst of all, I’ve disappointed the six or so regular visitors to this corner of the internet.

I do, however, have a reason. Not everyone can justify abandoning their personal flock, but you’ll find the excessive time I wasted in the real world has a simple excuse. I’ve been busy saving America, if not the entire world. As we all know, my sword is the one barrier between this world and the demonic forces that would corrupt or destroy it. Before this duty, internet comedy is purely secondary.

I’ve been fighting the following threats to our way of life:

-Deep Ones
-Caribbean Airlines
-LMFAO singles
-The Jabberwocky
-Undercooked meals
-Six varieties of zombie apocalypse
-Evangelical television
-Late Fees
-Rick Perry

Thank me later.

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