In a high-profile press conference, President Putin deflected critics of Russian legislation targeting left-handed citizens. “I will not bend to co-conspirators of the left handed in the guise of journalists,” Putin said to the assembled crowd. “I suspect that many of them are left handed themselves.”
In recent months, Russia’s government has passed a series of laws limiting the freedom, publicity, and lifespan of the left-handed. A conviction for spreading left-handed propaganda carries a minimum sentence of six years in a “right-minded reeducation facility.” Dissidents have been known to leave these camps missing their left arms from the elbow down. The Kremlin denies any wrongdoing.
“Protecting the children is paramount,” Putin said in response to a question regarding the logic of the laws. “Media censors are necessary to keep unwitting readers from being seduced into a degenerate left-handed lifestyle. It begins with an article on human rights. It ends sobbing in an alley with a left palm covered in graphite and shame.” The journalist that fielded the original question was then escorted into a black van by two soldiers.
The Kremlin’s measures enjoy strong support from the Russian Orthodox Church. “The devil speaks through the left-handed scribe. It is known,” Patriarch Kirill commented. “Each letter written by the heathen brings us a day closer to the apocalypse.” He spent the rest of the interview with his ear to a shoe, through which he hears “the voice of God.”
The Kremlin has expressed “disappointment” with the international reaction. The Human Rights Watch described the laws as “medieval in the most literal sense.” United States President Barack Obama has cancelled a planned playdate, during which the two heads of state were scheduled to trade Magic: The Gathering playing cards. When reached for comment, members of the International Olympic Committee whistled nervously and changed the topic to the weather. An anonymous source reports that upon reading a summary of the Russian legislature’s upcoming bills, Amnesty International Secretary General Salil Shetty flipped his desk and shouted “I fucking give up.”
Putin remained firm at the end of the conference. “I hope we can put these ridiculous complaints behind us. The left-handed have kept Russia locked in a death spiral of autocracy, corruption, and economic desperation for too long.” He then extended his left hand to greet the press secretary.